It is done….

As I sit in my new home, it is hard to believe that I managed my escape.

I planned it in about 3 weeks, no packing allowed – Lord only knows what Narc would have done should he have suspected my plan.

I woke early on Sunday morning, 20 December…..waiting for the arrival of a few trusted friends and two trucks.  Then came the frenzy of packing what I could, loading trucks, medicating dogs for travel – all done shuffling between being in a mind-numbing daze and half panic.

Narcs are cowards, we all know that.  The presence of other people made him docile and watchful, but silent.  He sat watching the truck being loaded, drinking all day.  I had two homes to load : my mother’s cottage (she passed away on 14 November), and my own stuff.

On the morning of the move, as soon as two of my friends arrived (safety in numbers), I went into his room, sat on the edge of his bed, and told him I was leaving.  He looked at me with contempt and said “So? And the problem is?”  I told him I was just being polite, and that was probably the sum total of our conversation the whole day.

I will post more later…..but for now, I am free.


Life turns on a tickey….

So much has happened in the last 2 weeks.  The verbal abuse is just mad.  He’s out drinking and partying so often that it’s not even worth mentioning how many days a weeks he’s not at home anymore.

This past Saturday his friend came by in the morning, I saw them unload the booze, I just knew I was in for a tough one.  I guess I’m not wrong about everything….I should know by now….

And it was a tough one….he flew into one of his black rages.  His friend was going to just walk out the door and leave me here.  I gave him a bit of my mind….I told him that people like him are quick to drink and party with the Narc, but when they see the shit hit the fan, just as quick to run away.  Told him that he owed it to me to stay the night.  Begged actually, begged him not to leave.  He stayed.  But the things that were said (screamed) by the Narc hit hard.  They always do.  He wants me out.  Wants me gone.

Little does he know (well he’s a really good snoop, so he probably has an inkling), this wish of his will be granted soon….sooner than he thinks…

My heart is pounding in my chest.  It has been for the last week.  My hands shake every day.




More than just a blog….

I realise now that this is more than just a “blog” – more than just an outlet for my frustrations and sadness.  This is a history.  That someone may or may not have to find one day.

Today my little lady helper came back, and she is SO shattered by the treatment of the Narc – she could barely hold back the tears.

So…(ja, I am dumb) – I stepped in and laid into him about treating people like shit for NO reason, other than his comment (loud) “oh, I am busy, you don’t understand” etc ad fucking nauseum.

He came for me again.  I said (Dutch courage) – hit me ONE MORE TIME and you will go to jail.

He said – you will be dead, so nobody will know.

Like I said – is this a blog? Or is it my history?

Fuck him.

Heart bleeds for this little lady working here.  She breaks her back for this areshole.  Every time I touch her, or call her aside, she breaks down in my arms.


Or can I borrow one, please??





I’m good….

I’m good, I am fine.  Lord only knows why. Last night presented itself as a “hard” night.

I’m not really a scratcher, a snooper….I went through Narc’s cubby hole in his car.  Found a lipstick and an electronic cigarette (don’t judge me, yeah, I smoke).  But WHY would someone take those two items from inside my handbag and hide them in his car?

I wish I had listened more to my mother.  He is not to be trusted.  With anything.  Not one damn thing.

And I think he saw me.  Hahahahaha – things are going to get worse.  But I am prepared.  I think…..

What a chop!


My jewellery is still missing.  I wlll never find them.  I have let them go.  If it pleases his black heart, he can have them.


Memories : 12 May 2011

From my journal…..Thursday 12 May 2011….QUOTE…….

Things B said last night that maybe I should remember….

“What cheap shit do you use on your hair? You smell like a kaffir bitch.”

“Take your shit and leave.  Fuck your ring.  Take it and sell it.”

“You mean nothing. My son is my family: (he was a TIK – meth addict at the time)

“You are nothing more than my future ex-wife”

“You don’t get any notice to move. You pack a suitcase and leave now”

“If you think you contributed anything to this move, then by packing (laughs), then fucken name your price and I will pay for your packing services then you can fuck off my farm now”

NOTE : I packed up his whole damn house AND his mom’s house for this move to the farm……


This is the first of my very deeply concealed memories.  Do not judge me.  Do not.







Oh dear…take note…please…

Narc is in a particularly bad mood.  He has made everyone cry with his yelling and name calling.

It started very early this morning.  The man who has worked for his family for over 25 years is in tears.  My little lady who helps to clean broke down in my arms this afternoon..  She is 20 years old and works like a demon.

He nearly smacked me just now when I called him out about making everyone cry.

I think he needs a drink.

Things will get bad tonight.

Dammit where is my mother????

This Narc is out of control.

Maybe I will just beat him to death before he does it to me.


Let’s wait and see.  I am tired of being a victim.  I will go down fighting.



How much more…?

I wonder how much more one person can take in terms of loss and abuse.  They say that God will never test you beyond what you can bear.  Well, dear God, please know that you will break me if this continues.

I homed my precious goats the other day.  Oh, how I loved them.  All seven of them….in one foul swoop…..carried away…..  Yes, to a brilliant home, yes to someone who will love them and care for them forever, but away from me.  No more calling in the morning…..I miss them so much.  Narc hasn’t mentioned this.  Not once.  But that’s okay.  Well, not really, I expected maybe one ounce of compassion, maybe an iota, a smidgen of “how you doing girl?”

Yesterday I took a throw away scrap of a dog to the vet….I held her in my arms when they put her down.  I cried so hard, for this little girl who had known so much hardship….but not me, she never knew me.  I only found her the night before.  She had been through so much.  I was desperate to leave the house….I could see she was dying…..Narc had to bath first…..but then he also had to make coffee before he got into the bath.  I was beside myself.  He told me to fuck off by myself.  I did.

I ask myself time and time again, where and how did I make such a bad decision in my life?  Was I not smart enough to see the signs?  I’m in so deep… shovel is small, but I’m digging.  Digging my way out.




Feedback from a stranger

This message came as a complete surprise to me.  It was on my Google account.  I am embarrassed, dismayed and hurt.  But here it is.  I wish I knew these people to apologise.  I was away at the time.

“Stunned how many good reviews there are on xxxxxxx lodge. Where to begin. 4pm, 30 July 2015- Was welcomed by a very drunk xxx, talking loads of nonsense for about 45 minutes- becoming an extreme nuisance, extremely unprofessional. After he met my gay ‘partner’, he proceeded to tell us how cold it’ll get over the weekend and also repeatedly told us how my ‘partner’ and I should just get naked and ‘cuddle’ to keep warm (clearly a slimy grease ball with lesbian fantasies). He then ‘casually’ mentioned straight afterwards that his wife is out of the country (hint hint I assume). He also ‘casually’ mentioned how he is a sex maniac- how he would know that it’s best to just get naked and ‘cuddle’. The cabin we booked wasn’t anything as it’s perceived to be on xxxx’s website, it’s not even remotely as cozy as it seems to be on their website images. Electric blanket never worked. When I made the booking xxxxx mentioned in one of his emails how the cabin is equipped with a microwave – more like an invisible microwave I assume as we never found it. The toilet in the cabin didn’t flush properly. No running water out of the hot water tap (only cold water tap worked). One of the windows couldn’t close. All very fantastic when it’s freezing. Mattress was worn out, could’ve spend the night counting all the springs sticking into my ribs. Cabin can also do with some form of insulation. The cabin is certainly not worth the accommodation rate I paid. xxxx’s dogs were great but they slept in front our cabin the whole night, which isn’t a problem… even though they barked about every 15 minutes- making it even more impossible to get some sleep. However the barking dogs were the least of my worries; what upsets me most is the fact that it was minus something degrees and that xxxx left his dogs to sleep outside in the unbearable cold. The next morning I found his smallest dog laying on our cabin patio, shivering like crazy. His other two dogs tried to find shelter by sleeping underneath our cabin. Just to give an indication- the water bowl which I had left out for our own dogs was frozen the next morning, and it was sitting on the timber floor IN our cabin. One would think that owners of a pet friendly venue would take better care of their four legged family. Very distressing. Couldn’t bare to spend another night so just left early the next morning. Wouldn’t go to xxxxxx  ever again, even if it was the last ‘pet friendly’ getaway on earth! Certainly also wouldn’t recommend this place to any other females looking for a ‘peaceful’ weekend as xxxxx’s perverted comments made us feel extremely uneasy- especially when you know there aren’t other guests on the farm.”

I am shattered by this.  But there it is.  Can’t hide from feedback like this.  The man has no conscience.  And my heart breaks for my dogs.  They obviously spent most of winter like this.  I could just cry.

Living on a see-saw…

Life is so full of ups and downs with this Narc.  Friday he disappeared again, came home at 6.30am the next morning.

Saturday wasn’t too bad – he wasn’t home much.  Sunday he went out again, came home at 3am Monday morning.

My mother recently died, and this bastard started to remove her things and she’s not even in the grave.  I found the lawnmower, which I need to sell.  Everyone knows living with a Narc leaves you penniless.  And her outdoor furniture.  And her outside light.  Without asking….without telling, just took them.  I got the lawnmower back and I’ve advertised it for sale.  This will make my life more of a misery than it already is.  I have to take it though….one day at a time.

He promised to help pay for her cremation.  She left me on 14 November.  Nothing has happened since.  She lies in the fridge.  She belongs home with me.

Edit and incerpt : INEXCUSABLE LIE : for 3 weeks after my mother’s passing, Narc told me that there was a problem with the death certificate and paperwork, so the cremation could not go ahead.  Then I got a call from the funeral home asking me what the hold up was.  What?  There was NO problem with ANY paperwork – mom could have been cremated and returned to me within days of her death.  Why would someone tell such a terrible lie?  To what end?  I cannot forgive this.  And I cannot fathom any reason, no matter how sick, why someone would do this to me.  She passed on 14 November, I finally got her ashes on 18 December.

I have noticed other special things going missing.   And these are things I have only noticed now.  He obviously knows that I want to leave.  This will continue and there is nothing I can do.

I saw a comment on my Google account from a visitor who came to the lodge while I was away for a month.  Took my breath away, although I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess.  I will post it later.

Today, so far, is an okay day.  Tomorrow I need to urgently renew my car and drivers license.  We’ll see how far I get with that.  He damaged my vehicle and said he would pay the excess.  I can’t go for an assessment without these documents being renewed.  Tomorrow.  It seems he does everything in his power to bring misery to my life, and sits back and enjoys my pain. He knows I have only one day left to renew my documents.  He’s known the deadline for months.

Yesterday I homed all my goats, broke my heart.  He knows how much I loved them.  He hasn’t said a word.  Nothing.  But he will punish me for that.  Somehow.  It is coming.

He’s made fun of me crying for the loss of my mother.  Badly.

He let off two shots with his gun the other day after I took my aunt out for dinner.  It scared me.  And well it should.  He is unstable and nasty.

I will get out of this place.  He cannot intimidate me enough to stay.  But he can surely scare me enough to spur me on.


F*cking arsehole

Tonight he yelled at me.  Said despicable things….my mother died because of me, I never loved her, I am a whore, his mother hates me, she wants to slap my face, his daughter will take me out…..

Trashed the kitchen.  Everything within arm’s reach was thrown or broken or bashed. And okay, the mayonnaise bottle got me….on the leg…no blood, maybe just a bruise tomorrow….

Then 10 minutes later (like nothing happened) he asks me to go out with him.  Like, what?  What????

He is a drunken fucken horrid person.  The last time he took me out (ja, like a date people), was in August last year.

In my next life I am coming back as a man with no neck.  He won’t fuck with me then.  He is a coward.


UPDATE : He came home at 4am in the morning, woke me up, yelled at me and smacked me around.  Slapped my face, threw a glass at me, pulled my hair, put his hands around my neck and head butted me.  One day at a time, I am slowly making my plans to leave this Narc.  Bit by bit, trying not to be too obvious, but yes, I am moving forward.  I’m doing my best.  I won’t give in.  I will not.