Things don’t change….

Today I was going through my laptop trying to clean out some garbage and some bad memories….pictures, notes, stuff I no longer wish to see.

I found this letter to the Narc – from 2012.  Oh how I wish I had known more about these sub-humans at the time.  I could have saved many years.  Bear in mind, this is not the first time I wrote Narc.  There had been many times before, with much the same content.

I only managed to gather myself enough to leave just over a month ago.  10 Years is a long time to live in denial, and live without knowing on a conscious level that I just wasn’t loved.

And here it is…………..

Bxxxxxx,

We have somehow never managed to hone our communication skills. However, I need you to know how I feel. 

I am so hurt and feel betrayed by all that happened on Monday. You have been acting like nothing happened, but that is not going to fix it.  You may deny what I say, you may aggressively dismiss what I try to say, but dancing around the truth is doing far more damage than trying to move forward and sweep this under the rug.

First – I am mortified that you have a phone number that you choose to hide and keep secret from me. Don’t bother trying to deny it. I’m not sure what to think about that.  What would you think? 

Second – if there is nothing to hide, why haven’t you mentioned that you have kept XXXX updated with your new numbers?   Why is this ongoing relationship with her and her mother such a private thing between you guys?  If you were me, you would wonder too.   It’s dishonest.  Where is the trust?   I feel like you have 2 lives…..and you only share one with me.  And quite possibly, everyone knows except me. 

Third – on Monday you knew I was driving home in the rain and the dark. You said “stop at XXXX”, I said “no I want to come home”.  What do you do?  You go to the pub (which was the last place you thought I would go) and become unavailable on your phone.  What was that all about?    That hurt me.   I want to believe that you care enough to worry even a little about me sometimes.    You knew I was on my way home.  You purposefully tried to disappear.

Fourth – I am not a punching bag. You promised me that you would never raise your hands to me in anger again.  I feel like this may never stop.   I feel humiliated and ashamed when you beat me.  I do not deserve to feel this way.  No woman does.  I will not accept this any longer.

So, you can choose to ignore this letter and try to carry on like nothing is wrong. Or you can step up and do right by me.  You can tell me about the things that are worrying me.  I am sitting in a space where I am questioning our whole relationship.  Is it as real for you as it is for me?  Or am I living in a little bubble of “happy ever after” that possibly may never be?

I’m hurt, confused and angry.

Please don’t disregard how i feel as unimportant.

 

NO – THINGS DON’T CHANGE.  EVER.  THEY JUST GET WORSE.

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Things don’t change….

  1. You’re right. Things don’t change. Tell yourself that you will never again be the inmate on death row…pleading for a stay of execution….that’s what begging for answers and explanations is….I know. I went through it for forty years.
    Things don’t change but you can. A few of us have adopted an alter-ego in the form of an animal…..Lynx, Wolfe and Lioness. Join our club!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, frozenjanedoe! It is amazing how you have the strength to share this… I feel it is part of your healing journey. I hope you know now, as you say in your finishing line – things will NEVER change with them… My ex narc has been “hoovering” like crazy, trying to get my attention lately, but I am stern and relentless in my denying of his existence (inside I am melted cheese, but that’s another story)…. Just as Laurel here above says, we are a bunch of ladies, three so far, who have found our “spirit animals”.. it may sund coo-coo, but it’s just an image, a way to visualize our strength towards our abusers/people who mean us harm…. I do wish you strength!! And please, let us know how your everyday life goes. We are here for you! Hugs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Survived – it’s hard. Very hard to acknowledge the crap I put up with and how many times he almost broke me completely. It’s hard to look back and remember the hurt. But, if I don’t put it out there it’s far too easy to pretend it never happened. And in all honesty, I don’t remember this letter. I guess my brain shut down far too many times. If it’s “out there”, then it happened. If it happened, I must address it. If I address it, I must change it. If I change it, then I will be free. I am nearly there. Thank you for your support.

      Liked by 1 person

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