Today I was going through my laptop trying to clean out some garbage and some bad memories….pictures, notes, stuff I no longer wish to see.
I found this letter to the Narc – from 2012. Oh how I wish I had known more about these sub-humans at the time. I could have saved many years. Bear in mind, this is not the first time I wrote Narc. There had been many times before, with much the same content.
I only managed to gather myself enough to leave just over a month ago. 10 Years is a long time to live in denial, and live without knowing on a conscious level that I just wasn’t loved.
And here it is…………..
We have somehow never managed to hone our communication skills. However, I need you to know how I feel.
I am so hurt and feel betrayed by all that happened on Monday. You have been acting like nothing happened, but that is not going to fix it. You may deny what I say, you may aggressively dismiss what I try to say, but dancing around the truth is doing far more damage than trying to move forward and sweep this under the rug.
First – I am mortified that you have a phone number that you choose to hide and keep secret from me. Don’t bother trying to deny it. I’m not sure what to think about that. What would you think?
Second – if there is nothing to hide, why haven’t you mentioned that you have kept XXXX updated with your new numbers? Why is this ongoing relationship with her and her mother such a private thing between you guys? If you were me, you would wonder too. It’s dishonest. Where is the trust? I feel like you have 2 lives…..and you only share one with me. And quite possibly, everyone knows except me.
Third – on Monday you knew I was driving home in the rain and the dark. You said “stop at XXXX”, I said “no I want to come home”. What do you do? You go to the pub (which was the last place you thought I would go) and become unavailable on your phone. What was that all about? That hurt me. I want to believe that you care enough to worry even a little about me sometimes. You knew I was on my way home. You purposefully tried to disappear.
Fourth – I am not a punching bag. You promised me that you would never raise your hands to me in anger again. I feel like this may never stop. I feel humiliated and ashamed when you beat me. I do not deserve to feel this way. No woman does. I will not accept this any longer.
So, you can choose to ignore this letter and try to carry on like nothing is wrong. Or you can step up and do right by me. You can tell me about the things that are worrying me. I am sitting in a space where I am questioning our whole relationship. Is it as real for you as it is for me? Or am I living in a little bubble of “happy ever after” that possibly may never be?
I’m hurt, confused and angry.
Please don’t disregard how i feel as unimportant.
NO – THINGS DON’T CHANGE. EVER. THEY JUST GET WORSE.