Things don’t change….

Today I was going through my laptop trying to clean out some garbage and some bad memories….pictures, notes, stuff I no longer wish to see.

I found this letter to the Narc – from 2012.  Oh how I wish I had known more about these sub-humans at the time.  I could have saved many years.  Bear in mind, this is not the first time I wrote Narc.  There had been many times before, with much the same content.

I only managed to gather myself enough to leave just over a month ago.  10 Years is a long time to live in denial, and live without knowing on a conscious level that I just wasn’t loved.

And here it is…………..

Bxxxxxx,

We have somehow never managed to hone our communication skills. However, I need you to know how I feel. 

I am so hurt and feel betrayed by all that happened on Monday. You have been acting like nothing happened, but that is not going to fix it.  You may deny what I say, you may aggressively dismiss what I try to say, but dancing around the truth is doing far more damage than trying to move forward and sweep this under the rug.

First – I am mortified that you have a phone number that you choose to hide and keep secret from me. Don’t bother trying to deny it. I’m not sure what to think about that.  What would you think? 

Second – if there is nothing to hide, why haven’t you mentioned that you have kept XXXX updated with your new numbers?   Why is this ongoing relationship with her and her mother such a private thing between you guys?  If you were me, you would wonder too.   It’s dishonest.  Where is the trust?   I feel like you have 2 lives…..and you only share one with me.  And quite possibly, everyone knows except me. 

Third – on Monday you knew I was driving home in the rain and the dark. You said “stop at XXXX”, I said “no I want to come home”.  What do you do?  You go to the pub (which was the last place you thought I would go) and become unavailable on your phone.  What was that all about?    That hurt me.   I want to believe that you care enough to worry even a little about me sometimes.    You knew I was on my way home.  You purposefully tried to disappear.

Fourth – I am not a punching bag. You promised me that you would never raise your hands to me in anger again.  I feel like this may never stop.   I feel humiliated and ashamed when you beat me.  I do not deserve to feel this way.  No woman does.  I will not accept this any longer.

So, you can choose to ignore this letter and try to carry on like nothing is wrong. Or you can step up and do right by me.  You can tell me about the things that are worrying me.  I am sitting in a space where I am questioning our whole relationship.  Is it as real for you as it is for me?  Or am I living in a little bubble of “happy ever after” that possibly may never be?

I’m hurt, confused and angry.

Please don’t disregard how i feel as unimportant.

 

NO – THINGS DON’T CHANGE.  EVER.  THEY JUST GET WORSE.

 

 

 

The little-known reasons why you need to leave the narcissist ASAP!

Reblogging – such a good post.

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

The effects of psychological and narcissistic abuse come with many devastating consequences, but there are two that almost no one knows about–unless they’re a doctor or neuroscientist.

In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term and is an added reason why–if you have children with a narcissistic partner–you should try to leave as soon as reasonably possible.

By now, most of us know that repeated emotional trauma leads to both PTSD and C-PTSD, which should be reason enough to leave an abusive partner.  But, what many people don’t realize is that over time, these repeated emotional injuries shrink the hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, while enlarging the amygdala, which houses primitive emotions such as fear, grief, guilt, envy, and shame.

Hippocampus basics

The hippocampus, which is Greek for “seahorse,” is a paired structure tucked inside each temporal lobe and…

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Today I wept…..

Tears.  I had them today.  I know they finally had to come….I’ve been so absent from my life.  You know?  Neither here nor there.  Not high, not low.

But today……the dam broke.

I interviewed a lady to come and do domestic work for someone I know.  It’s hard work, big house, live-in position…..she has to leave her family behind (2 daughters)….live alone on this big new property.

The lady, let’s call her H…..H was very keen, wants to start on Monday.  Today is Saturday.  She’s willing to move in tomorrow.

Tomorrow?  That’s good.  Right?  Really?  This lady H, who is 33 years old, is willing to pack all her belongings by tomorrow….bed, blankets, kitchenware, clothing, STUFF…..pack in one day and move here….move onto a new property, in the sticks….no friends, no family, just sommer move.  In one day.

And I cried.

I cried because even though she said this is what she wants, what she’s prepared to do for employment….I KNOW the trauma of moving in one day….the uncertainty and angst with unknown changes…the loneliness (that is, and what will come)…..

I cried for H.  I cried for me.

I have had better days than this one.

 

Who moved my Cheese?

What an awesome little book.  Takes less than an hour to read….a couple of reads to digest.  I have read it twice in the last few days.

Who am I, in the book?  And why didn’t I take good care of my Cheese.  What was my Cheese?  Do I have the courage to change direction….and the belief that my new and improved stock of Cheese is out there, waiting for me, in the scary Maze that is life?

What’s the Cheese? It’s what you want, what you cherish, what you have and how close you hold it to your heart.  * THE MORE IMPORTANT YOUR CHEESE IS TO YOU, THE MORE YOU WANT TO HOLD ON TO IT.  And defying all sense of self preservation, sometimes the Cheese is mouldy, old, decaying…we choose not to see this, we soldier on.  Despite all odds….the Cheese isn’t supposed to move, is it?

Sometimes we are lucky.  Sometimes we recognise the destructive pattern of looking after and hanging on to “old cheese”.  Sometimes we realise that * IF YOU DO NOT CHANGE, YOU CAN BECOME EXTINCT.  Yip, lose your self worth, your identity, your entire being.  Change is necessary.  Change is hard.

If we are able to recognise our own fear, our lack of faith, and ask ourselves * WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WEREN’T AFRAID, we may recognise that our fears paralyse us….and are mostly unfounded.

narc set you free

When I decided to leave the Narc, that’s when my FEAR gripped my heart with a force that scared me more than the Narc-Fear itself.  It was frightening and took on a physical life inside of me.

I moved out with lead feet.  Like a robot.  I put one foot in front of the other dogmatically…..willing myself to see this through.  It wasn’t strength that spurred me on, it was some forgotten instinct of self preservation that kicked in.  I was in terrible trouble.  My body took over, my spirit had to follow…..

* SMELL THE CHEESE OFTEN, SO YOU KNOW WHEN IT’S GETTING OLD.  Ears and eyes wide open….nobody will serve me old and mouldy Cheese again.  My Cheese, my Choice, my Life.

Great little book.  Perhaps I will read it again tomorrow 🙂

 

* Quotes from this wonderful little book (used without permission, forgive me please Dr Spencer Johnson – you’re an awesome author).

Dr Spencer Johnson – Author – Who Moved My Cheese

 

A new year wish……

I wish this for me, for you, for anyone going through tough times, anyone coming out of bad relationships, thinking of coming out….healing after a break up….this is for us.

I WILL SAY THIS ONE DAY WITH CONVICTION…..WE ALL WILL.

narc living without