Purging some memories….

As I say goodbye to 2015, and the last 10 years of my life, I would like to let go of some bad memories as well.  Perhaps, exposed here, they will stop haunting and hurting me.

I don’t understand “triggers”, and these memories are very personal – I don’t expect anyone to read them.  I need to vomit them out into the open though…so….

AN EASTER EXPERIENCE : 2012 – probably the worst beating I got while involved with the Narc.  His friend came to stay at the lodge (part of the farm), and I will never know if this “fight” was an excuse to stay away for a week, or if he was so damn drunk the whole time that he blacked out….whatever….he went nuts.  He had me in a strangle hold around my neck and was head butting me….over and over and over.  I don’t know what would have happened if my mother hadn’t walked in and yelled at him to stop.  I was concussed, in bed for a week.  My eye swelled up and I had to go to the doctor twice to have my eye lid cut open to release the pressure.  This is the only time that I asked a doctor to write a report on my injuries.  I never did anything with that report.

OUR HAPPILY EVER AFTER HOME : I found the farm at a fantastic price.  We went to sign papers.  We.  Because, as he said, it was our new home, our new start, our future.  Yes he loved me, very much.  He was prepared to put the whole farm in my name – did I want that?  No…of course I didn’t want that.  Signing together was good.  Fantastic.  My future with my love.  We signed, we celebrated, we started to plan, life was good.  It came out quite by accident a little later on that he had returned to the estate agent a few days after we signed the deal, and asked them to rip it up, and he signed a new offer to purchase in his name only.  I can’t remember the final excuse he gave me for this, but I bought it.  I had to.  What choice did I have?

ONE OF MANY WARNINGS that he gave me, after being physically abusive, was that if I should never try to report him.  He had smacked me around in front of staff and also his son in the past.  He told me that those people were loyal only to him, and if I thought I could prove any abuse, I was just kidding myself.   I’d seen him get 4 or 5 people to write falsified affidavits before.  He submitted them in court (and yes, it was for a previous domestic abuse case with his Ex) – so ja, bit of a quandary that one.  If nobody sees it, did it really happen?

Another kicker is my IRISH BLESSING – St Paddy’s Day weekend, 2013.  I had 3 gigs to do that weekend with a band.  Two weeks before the performances he hit me in the face with his steel crutch.  Split my cheek open just below my eye.  I spent rehearsals dabbing at the weeping wound, and gigging on stage hiding behind a mountain of makeup.  Nobody said anything.  I chose to believe that didn’t see.  Really girl?  Sigh….

NO PRIVACY : When my mother first came to live with us on the farm, she had lost her job and we had sold our little house.  We didn’t make much money from the sale, but it was all she had.  Narc managed to take over a third of it.  Seemed to know when to ask and how much to push for.  While the sale of the house was going through, he pestered us SO much to find out when payment would come through.  His anxiety at getting the money through passed onto us.  He offered to help with phone calls to push it through.  We thought he was being caring.  My mother never got any bank statements in the first 6 to 8 months or so.  My bank statements came in the mail box….so no, not a postal error.  How strange, we all said.  I look back now.  Strange?  I think not.  When she finally ran out of money, I guess the bank decided to start sending them to her again. And Narc decided to launch some very vicious verbal attacks on her from then on.  It broke my heart.

MYSTERIOUSLY MISSING : Oh so many things, the list is as long as my arm.  A digital camera, a pair of Raybans (twice), a laptop, a power supply, a Michel Herbelin watch, clothing, a handbag from Mexico, spare car keys, a book of song lyrics that I had gathered since the late 1990’s, a tambourine (found later burned and scattered in ashes strewn in the garden), a written list of all my cyber passwords including my bank accounts, tiny little seedlings that I tenderly nursed pulled up by the roots, a disabled doggy trolley, a big plastic box of arts and crafts….and surely many other things that I will remember as I start my new journey.  Narcs are devious, they are thieves.

BUMPS AND BRUISES – as the years rolled by, he got clever.  Black eyes are hard to hide.  The beatings stopped (well almost) around my face and he would hit me on my body and on my head, where the marks would be hidden.  My arms gave me away though.  But I could find excuses for that.  And he would tell everyone that I got drunk and fell off the bath, fell down the stairs, fell on the floor.  Such a charming man.  Everyone believed him. Mostly….

I REMEMBER ONE YEAR….well at least one full year…..where I just collected one black eye after another.  Sometimes two at a time.  It seemed like just as the bruise was fading, and I could venture out, BAM – another one.  What was I ashamed of?  What would people think?  Why did I stay?  A thousand questions – I never asked them.  Why?  Was I already broken when he met me?

I’m getting tired now.  Dredging up the past.  Looking at the lie I allowed myself to live.  Eventually things are so bad, and you are so shamed, that you think it’s too late to be honest…with other people who may think you are weak and broken, but most of all, too late to be honest with yourself.

Because that would mean looking yourself in the eye and asking : WHO ARE YOU???

Living with a Narc, not a walk in the park…

How sad to measure the success of a relationship by the number of bruise-free weeks you have.  I didn’t have many….but there were enough to keep me in chains.

Never again.



15 thoughts on “Purging some memories….

  1. Those bruises look so familiar but they (for me) came from my mama, not Loser. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have done the same things you did and offered the same excuses and made up the same lies. NOW, that POS would be dead! To inflict that kind of harm on somebody doesn’t have an explanation or reason…it means that they are a monster.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ah…..so sorry Laurel…..to come from your mother. I cannot begin to comprehend. That is not a life choice that anyone should be burdened with. My mother was my rock. The only person in the world who loved and supported me unconditionally. Reaching out to you……sending a cyber hug xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry you went through all of that. Some abusers are emotional abusers, others mostly physical violence abusers. Some are both. It is a miracle that you are now free of it. The rest of your life should be about safety and whatever piece of happiness you can find for yourself. It is easy to blame one self for staying, but it is not your fault. Part of the abuse is that you get sort of brainwashed.. I am so happy you are out of that, frozenjanedoe! Talking about the past is most often a way for us to process, first step of a healing journey. Hugs, 🙌💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Survived. It is both liberating and mind blowing at the same time to see the words….to read my own story….to understand how lethal that relationship was. There is no doubt in my mind that had I not escaped when I did, my next move within a year would have been out of there, in a box. No doubt. That man was on the brink of killing me.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. He indeed seems very dangerous to be able to deal out that kind of physical harm.. and they say violence often escalates.. so I am very happy that you are safe and out of there.. I hope he does not know where you live… please be safe. I don’t know if you have already, or don’t feel like it, but maybe a good idea to get support from a women’s shelter/support group for abused women? If there are any such resources where you live. Hugs!! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sure he has guessed where I am, but he can’t get onto this property. As for support…..I am finding it here, in my writing, and with people like you….perhaps in the new year I will consider some kind of therapy. For the moment, I am not sure how damaged I am, but when I read back on my posts, and when I think of things I should “share”, I reckon I’m pretty much damaged goods at the moment. I can’t even bring myself to say the words “abused woman”. Me? Ahhhh, when did that happen? When did I become one of those people? I’m figuring it out…. Thank you for caring.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s reassuring he can’t get onto the property. You’re an incredibly strong person to have managed to escape this situation you were in. I probably only lived 10% of the horrors you’ve experienced, since my narcissist “only” used emotional, “subtle” abuse, such as pathological lying, cheating, manipulations. But that was enough to drive me to the edge of sanity.. so your strength is amazing. When leaving, you chose yourself. Yes you were an abused woman, but so much more. A survivor. And one day you’ll be able to say: Yes abuse was part of my life once, but now I’m happy. For now, just think through all things concerning personal safety… and take care of yourself, good food, good movies, music, writing, do all things that are healing and nourishing for you. Love❤//Survived

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I was going to “like” this blog but I can’t. I’m so sorry. And I’m so glad you are free. I used to tell people in the community I belonged to online, that not all emotional abusers become physical abusers, but all physical abusers are also emotional abusers. So no one should ever say their abuser is just verbal. Just say he’s not physical….. yet. Mine was emotional and verbal, but became physical with my son, and I’m sure would have gone there with me if I hadn’t left. I didn’t find out about my son until I was out over a year.

    So sorry. I hope and pray 2016 is your year to blossom. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well done, I am happy to read that you are out of the toxic house. Take a deep breath and start a wonderful 2016! Writting is good therapy. I know your experience is not nice, but sharing it with others helps. And others, that still live in a toxis househol,d can read that life after and without a narc is possible! Wishing you all the best, take good care of yourself – as you are the only person that really counts!

    Liked by 1 person

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