Feedback from a stranger

This message came as a complete surprise to me.  It was on my Google account.  I am embarrassed, dismayed and hurt.  But here it is.  I wish I knew these people to apologise.  I was away at the time.

“Stunned how many good reviews there are on xxxxxxx lodge. Where to begin. 4pm, 30 July 2015- Was welcomed by a very drunk xxx, talking loads of nonsense for about 45 minutes- becoming an extreme nuisance, extremely unprofessional. After he met my gay ‘partner’, he proceeded to tell us how cold it’ll get over the weekend and also repeatedly told us how my ‘partner’ and I should just get naked and ‘cuddle’ to keep warm (clearly a slimy grease ball with lesbian fantasies). He then ‘casually’ mentioned straight afterwards that his wife is out of the country (hint hint I assume). He also ‘casually’ mentioned how he is a sex maniac- how he would know that it’s best to just get naked and ‘cuddle’. The cabin we booked wasn’t anything as it’s perceived to be on xxxx’s website, it’s not even remotely as cozy as it seems to be on their website images. Electric blanket never worked. When I made the booking xxxxx mentioned in one of his emails how the cabin is equipped with a microwave – more like an invisible microwave I assume as we never found it. The toilet in the cabin didn’t flush properly. No running water out of the hot water tap (only cold water tap worked). One of the windows couldn’t close. All very fantastic when it’s freezing. Mattress was worn out, could’ve spend the night counting all the springs sticking into my ribs. Cabin can also do with some form of insulation. The cabin is certainly not worth the accommodation rate I paid. xxxx’s dogs were great but they slept in front our cabin the whole night, which isn’t a problem… even though they barked about every 15 minutes- making it even more impossible to get some sleep. However the barking dogs were the least of my worries; what upsets me most is the fact that it was minus something degrees and that xxxx left his dogs to sleep outside in the unbearable cold. The next morning I found his smallest dog laying on our cabin patio, shivering like crazy. His other two dogs tried to find shelter by sleeping underneath our cabin. Just to give an indication- the water bowl which I had left out for our own dogs was frozen the next morning, and it was sitting on the timber floor IN our cabin. One would think that owners of a pet friendly venue would take better care of their four legged family. Very distressing. Couldn’t bare to spend another night so just left early the next morning. Wouldn’t go to xxxxxx  ever again, even if it was the last ‘pet friendly’ getaway on earth! Certainly also wouldn’t recommend this place to any other females looking for a ‘peaceful’ weekend as xxxxx’s perverted comments made us feel extremely uneasy- especially when you know there aren’t other guests on the farm.”

I am shattered by this.  But there it is.  Can’t hide from feedback like this.  The man has no conscience.  And my heart breaks for my dogs.  They obviously spent most of winter like this.  I could just cry.

Living on a see-saw…

Life is so full of ups and downs with this Narc.  Friday he disappeared again, came home at 6.30am the next morning.

Saturday wasn’t too bad – he wasn’t home much.  Sunday he went out again, came home at 3am Monday morning.

My mother recently died, and this bastard started to remove her things and she’s not even in the grave.  I found the lawnmower, which I need to sell.  Everyone knows living with a Narc leaves you penniless.  And her outdoor furniture.  And her outside light.  Without asking….without telling, just took them.  I got the lawnmower back and I’ve advertised it for sale.  This will make my life more of a misery than it already is.  I have to take it though….one day at a time.

He promised to help pay for her cremation.  She left me on 14 November.  Nothing has happened since.  She lies in the fridge.  She belongs home with me.

Edit and incerpt : INEXCUSABLE LIE : for 3 weeks after my mother’s passing, Narc told me that there was a problem with the death certificate and paperwork, so the cremation could not go ahead.  Then I got a call from the funeral home asking me what the hold up was.  What?  There was NO problem with ANY paperwork – mom could have been cremated and returned to me within days of her death.  Why would someone tell such a terrible lie?  To what end?  I cannot forgive this.  And I cannot fathom any reason, no matter how sick, why someone would do this to me.  She passed on 14 November, I finally got her ashes on 18 December.

I have noticed other special things going missing.   And these are things I have only noticed now.  He obviously knows that I want to leave.  This will continue and there is nothing I can do.

I saw a comment on my Google account from a visitor who came to the lodge while I was away for a month.  Took my breath away, although I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess.  I will post it later.

Today, so far, is an okay day.  Tomorrow I need to urgently renew my car and drivers license.  We’ll see how far I get with that.  He damaged my vehicle and said he would pay the excess.  I can’t go for an assessment without these documents being renewed.  Tomorrow.  It seems he does everything in his power to bring misery to my life, and sits back and enjoys my pain. He knows I have only one day left to renew my documents.  He’s known the deadline for months.

Yesterday I homed all my goats, broke my heart.  He knows how much I loved them.  He hasn’t said a word.  Nothing.  But he will punish me for that.  Somehow.  It is coming.

He’s made fun of me crying for the loss of my mother.  Badly.

He let off two shots with his gun the other day after I took my aunt out for dinner.  It scared me.  And well it should.  He is unstable and nasty.

I will get out of this place.  He cannot intimidate me enough to stay.  But he can surely scare me enough to spur me on.

 

F*cking arsehole

Tonight he yelled at me.  Said despicable things….my mother died because of me, I never loved her, I am a whore, his mother hates me, she wants to slap my face, his daughter will take me out…..

Trashed the kitchen.  Everything within arm’s reach was thrown or broken or bashed. And okay, the mayonnaise bottle got me….on the leg…no blood, maybe just a bruise tomorrow….

Then 10 minutes later (like nothing happened) he asks me to go out with him.  Like, what?  What????

He is a drunken fucken horrid person.  The last time he took me out (ja, like a date people), was in August last year.

In my next life I am coming back as a man with no neck.  He won’t fuck with me then.  He is a coward.

 

UPDATE : He came home at 4am in the morning, woke me up, yelled at me and smacked me around.  Slapped my face, threw a glass at me, pulled my hair, put his hands around my neck and head butted me.  One day at a time, I am slowly making my plans to leave this Narc.  Bit by bit, trying not to be too obvious, but yes, I am moving forward.  I’m doing my best.  I won’t give in.  I will not.

No Escape

My Mother has been dead for ten days.

Narc promised to help pay for her cremation. I am broke.  No surprise there. He organised the funeral parlour or the undertaker or whatever to go fetch her body from the hospital.  Now I am stuck and stagnant.

I don’t know where he is tonight. He spent the last weekend away.

He will never come up with any money to help cremate her and bring her home to me.

He yelled at me earlier.  Told me that it was my fault that she is dead.  Told me that his mother said she had no idea why he was involved with a “silly little bitch like me”.

I am so devastated by the loss of my mother.

He doesn’t give a fuck.

I am losing my give-a-fuck also.

 

 

 

Feeling alone….

Nothing changes.  I know this now.

I lost my mother 4 days ago.

I put my mother’s beloved dog down today.

Narc has said NOTHING – it is 20h15 and he is sitting in his room on his computer talking and liaising with God knows who – no words to me – nothing. Just his pathetic secret phone and laptop.

He is dead inside.

So am I.

I could use a hug, a presence, an ear to hear my grief.

He should have been that person.  He promised that to me. He’s a liar and a thief and a cheat and an emotional vampire.

I will not beg for what I crave.  He doesn’t have it in him.  How could I have made such a wrong turn in my life?

 

 

 

 

There is no empathy…..

And so I spend the fourth day on earth without my mom.

Tomorrow I need to collect her from the hospital and arrange the cremation and the death certificate and all that comes with the sudden death of a beloved.

The Narc has said that he would arrange a funeral home.  He can sponsor some money, but not all.  He wanted my son’s phone number.  I will not pass it on.  It is not my son’s responsibility to pay for a funeral.  Nor is it the Narc’s place to put that burden on my child.

I have no money to pay for the funeral.  Part of what a typical Narc will do is bleed you dry financially.  It may be quick, it may take time, but it will happen.  My mom lived in a cottage here on the farm.  She paid for it.  But the deal at the time was that she could live there for the duration of her life, and if he sold up, she was to get some money back.  Who knew that she wouldn’t live forever?  I have no idea how long he will give me to go through her precious things and clear the place out.

When we moved here at the end of 2010, both of us had debt.  Mine was mild, his was wild.  Today he has paid off all of his credit cards, got himself onto a full medical aid scheme, bought 2 cars cash, and has money to party.  I had to cancel my medical aid and my mother’s, my credit card and personal overdraft are on maximum, and my business should have been liquidated long ago.  His business is thriving.  When it started to pick up and make money, I was banned.  Banned from the website I helped to build, banned from running the office, banned from enjoying a business that was meant to support us both comfortably as we moved forward.  He forgets all the toilets I scrubbed by hand, all the months I sat with no electricity and no water…in the darkness of a half renovated cottage…while he was out “somewhere”.  All that is meaningless and to all intents and purposes, may never have happened.  He will never admit that I was here in the early days when things were really tough.

My mother has a car.  I need to sell it.  He wants to buy it.  Pay me off in 8 monthly instalments.  He has never kept his word when it came to any money promises.  He’s even mentioned that he wants to take it off my hands and buy another farm truck.  He forgets how many times he tells me that this is not my home.  That I live under his roof.  Why should I give up my mother’s car so he can buy another truck for his farm?  On the other hand, I have nowhere to go if he turns arse about face and decides that I no longer have a place here.  There is nobody to monitor and witness his bad behaviour.  My mother is gone from me.

I feel like an orphan, and I am frozen.  Frozen in fear and overwhelmed at the devastating loss of my mother.  Last night he gave me a hug.  The first one since my mother got ill last week.  This morning I threw something in the bin and saw the empty booze bottle.  The hug wasn’t compassion, or empathy.  The hug was a drunken shoddy play.  I regret crying on his shoulder.

This morning I had to euthanize my mothers precious old dog.  Narc and a friend were working on his car.  I don’t think he even looked up.  Not once.  Even when me and 2 girlfriends were trying to carry the 50kg dead weight of the half lifeless dog.

I still find it hard to believe that some people can live with no feelings.  But they do.  I see it everyday.

 

 

My beloved mother, my champion, protector, friend, ally…

mom 1964_2

My mother never liked the Narc.  They never got on.  She lived on this property and was always looking out for me.   Sometimes I think that the only reason things haven’t gotten completely out of hand is because she’s been here.  At my side.  Night and day.  Watching, caring, warning and loving me through this.

After a brief illness (which started last Tuesday), I lost my precious mother on Saturday morning.  I am shattered.  Narc never came with me to the hospital on any visits.  To his credit, he hasn’t yelled at me since she went away.

I’m not sure what will happen now that she is gone.

I will miss her so much.

The last MANY weekends…

I can’t remember the last time this Narc took me anywhere.  Well, that’s not exactly true.  It was in August last year, a lunch, at a cheap restaurant or café if you will.

In sharp contrast, he goes out 2 to 4 times a week, and hardly ever comes home.  If he does, he is drunk and belligerent and I find myself being anxious and fearful.  I have no idea what type of mood he will be in.  He may walk past me like I am a ghost, or start a heated argument.  Which has often led to me being smacked around if I am not fast on my feet.

Last weekend he walked out the door on Friday morning.  Came back in the evening…mumbled “hello”, changed his clothes and walked straight out the back door.  He came back on Sunday and spent the day (okay 6 hours) soaking off a hangover.  He went out again.

The previous weekend he left on Friday, and came back on Monday, mid-morning.

And of course, nothing is said.  This is normal.  He is allowed.  I have long since stopped asking “are you coming home?”  Or “where did you go?”  Nope, no questions from me.  And what follows is a couple of days of the Silent Treatment.  Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

Pointless going back any further.  This is a regular occurrence.

In the last 2 to 3 weeks, some very sentimental and expensive jewellery has gone missing.  How can he even begin to think that I don’t know it is him who has taken it?  He’s the only one around.  I mentioned the one item, he dismissed it, so I didn’t even bother mentioning that I am missing the other.  It will get me nowhere.  My hurt at his actions will feed his ego.  After all, that is what Narcs are all about.  Feeding off your emotional pain and distress.

And so I remain silent.  For now.

This is my story of Survival and Escape

years and tears

I have decided to keep a blog, because if any of you have been in a toxic relationship, or perhaps you’re still in one, we all know how easy it is for the Narc to throw us to the curb, then draw us back into the lair.

I have learned that I cannot change this man.

My “happy ever after” will never become a reality for me.

It’s getting worse everyday, but somehow easier because I understand the behaviour.  I try everyday not to react, not to emotionally feed this monster that is the Narc.  It’s hard.  But others have come through this, have they not?

I have lived in complete denial for almost 10 years.  The last 5 years have been incredibly frightening, sad and lonely.  And there I just did it again…..right in the beginning of the relationship, there were so many red flags.  How did I miss them?  Or did I simply brush them under the rug…hoping beyond hope that things would get better.  That he wasn’t truly such a mean and nasty being.

I have also learned, and am clinging to the fact that I can change my circumstances and I can move on.

This blog is meant to be a constant reminder to myself (and if you identify, I hope it helps you too) that I am living as a person frozen in time.  And that is not where I want to be.  I want out.  But it’s not easy.  Things at home are volatile, abusive and cunningly deceitful.

After a lot of research, and a lot of soul searching (ie, refusing to lie to myself any longer), I can positively say that I live with someone who is both a Narcissist and a Psychopath.  There is a lot of medical and psychological research that can help you identify a person like this.  And it’s not pretty.  And it only gets worse.  I am living testament to that.

I will share new moments (which are in direct contrast to a blog I kept for the first year when we moved to our new home – but I was hiding the bad stuff, tucked away and never exposed).  I did keep a written book of bad memories, bad times, and unbelievably inexcusable behaviour.  I will share some of that too….

If you are in a toxic relationship, you are not alone.  I am here with you.  It will take me about a year to get myself together and physically move, leaving everything behind.  Until then, I need to continue to understand the Narc behaviour and try to keep myself emotionally and physically intact.  Financially ruined perhaps, but otherwise free.

So this is me…trying to survive, keep sane, and be free.